Lately it has gotten harder and harder to work with Cayden. He is such a good baby and for the first month of having him with me he was happy being held and playing on his play mat all day. But now that he's getting older he gets bored easily. He wants to learn! I just don't have the time to stimulate him the way he needs it. He deserves so much more than I can give him at work. I'd been trying to ignore it because I love having him with me and don't want to think about him spending his days with someone else. But I keep getting frustrated when he cries all day and it makes my feel incredibly guilty. I just can't give what he wants and needs.
I'd looked into a liscensed home daycare facility near Allan's job that seemed great. It's structured ans the teacher is really nice and caring. Then my mom suggested looking into a Montessori school. Allan said he liked that idea too because it is well known and based on a certain theory so we'd know exactly what they would be doing with Cayden. We found an accredited school that takes infants at 10 weeks. I toured it today and it was incredible. I was blown away by the things they were teaching kids. One of the infant teachers played with Cayden for a few minutes and asked if I wanted to leave him there while I finished the tour and talked with the director. She managed to incorporate him into the activity she was doing with the other infants and toddlers. When I went into the director's office she turned the TV on and explained that each classroom has cameras so that parents can come to watch what their children are doing without disrupting the class. I watched as the teacher showed Cayden different colored blocks and had his full attention. It sounds so simple, but it's more than I can do with him when I'm at work. He smiled and laughed as she waved the blocks in front of his face. Unfortunately, the cameras aren't available by the internet, but it was nice to know that the director and the other staff can monitor the classes. When we went into the older children's classes it seemed like a joke. I could not believe the things those kids were learning so young! The director said that all of the kids are reading by age 4, most of them start around age 3. They also start teaching the kids Spanish and ASL around age 1. I can't get over it.
So I keep crying about it. Even when I was talking with the director about the school I began crying. It is so hard to imagine being without Cayden every day. What if he says his first word at school? Or takes his first steps? He should do those things with me and Allan! And I don't like thinking about someone else bonding with him as they feed him or change his diapers or put him down for naps. Or smiling at someone else when he wakes up from a nap. I can't stand it! But I have to do what's best for him, right? I have to keep reminding myself of that.